Falling Into Empty Space
by SmurfZXC714
Summary: Zach could get away from her, start over— she couldn't run away from herself. Even if he did forgive her; she would never forgive herself. She'd done something complete disgusting and she would carry the regret with her every day for the rest of her life.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Cammie or Zach_

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_**Falling Into Empty Space**_

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_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go. Let it go_

_-Linkin Park_

_(Iridescent)_

* * *

He was quiet after she'd finish speaking. The silence was killing her, creeping up her spine and making Goosebumps appear on her skin.

"You don't get it do you?" he then said, his voice sharp, thick— loud. "I can't fix this!"

She was nodding, but obviously not understanding. It was not really what she had expected him to say. She had expected the anger, even rage, but not that he'd want to fix it. But she supposed that was Zach, always trying to control everything around him, anything less than perfect was unacceptable.

"Of course I get it," she said, her voice was quiet and she was bent away from him, obviously afraid. Afraid of his anger, his temper was impossible to predict.

He had the urge to hit something, so he settled for the wall, watching her flinch as his fist connected with it.

"I can't fix this," he repeated, his eyes glowing with ferocity. "I've done a hell of a lot for you but I. Can't. Fix. This."

"I know," she said and he saw tears starting to bud in the corners of her eyes. "I know— I'm so sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough," he snapped. The anger that ran through his blood was hot and fast, pulsing into his head. "Sorry isn't fucking good enough!" He slammed his fist against the wall again. A dent appeared the size of his fist.

She was trying not to cry. "I don't know what to say."

He shook his head and massaged his hand. She wasn't surprised it had hurt, the brute force he'd thrown the punch with had reflected back into his own muscle. While his eyes still blazed, he spoke at normal volume when he said, "neither do I."

He ran his fingers through his hair, ignoring the pain on her face and the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Zach," she reached out her hand. "I didn't mean to—"

He recoiled from her and she stopped, dropping her hand. "Well you did."

She couldn't think of anything to say. What do you say in a moment like this?

"If I could take it back I would."

"Well you can't."

"Please," she begged. "Please don't—"

But he was already walking away. "I have given you _everything_."

"I know— I know. I love you, it was stupid, please don't go. Don't leave me." Her voice was pleading, and she would have gotten down and begged on her knees if she thought it would make him stay.

"If you didn't want me to go you shouldn't have done what you did."

Her tears were falling fast. He usually hated it when she cried but now he felt triumphant, as though he'd won a trophy. He was glad he was causing her pain, just like she'd done to him.

"It was a mistake."

"You're damn right," he said, his voice still raised. "This relationship was a mistake," he spat and then he turned away again, slamming the front door of their house.

As soon as the slam had gone she started sobbing. She was hiccupping and snorting, trying to breathe. But she couldn't— he'd just left her, and she didn't know how to handle it.

She had messed up; she couldn't blame anyone but herself. She'd lied to the man she loved most, all because she thought she 'loved' another guy. Maybe not loved, but was certainly infatuated. It was incredibly stupid; she couldn't even remember what she'd been thinking when it had gone on. But she knew it had been her, not an evil twin, not an alter ego.

The regret she felt in her stomach was burning hot; it ran through her blood like scalding lava. She'd never felt worse in her life.

Suddenly there were tiny footsteps fluttering across the hardwood floor towards her.

Cammie listened for a moment, not only hearing the footsteps but the sound of engine roaring away.

"Mom?" her seven year-old called, holding the hand of his sister as he crossed the room to her.

"Mommy?" Holly echoed, looking at her mother with her father's big green eyes.

No matter how hard she was trying, Cammie couldn't stop crying. Looking into the eyes of her children made the regret in her stomach burn hotter, sharper pain coursing through her. What had she been thinking? Why would she ever want to give this up?

Ellis came up to his mother and hugged her waist. "Mom, don't cry."

Holly followed his example. "Where's daddy?"

Cammie bit her lip and forced herself to stop crying. She lifted Holly off the ground and held her in her arms, hugging her tightly. She made it to the couch, and Ellis crawled to her side.

"Don't cry," he repeated, reaching up with his tiny hand to wipe the tears away.

She tried to smile at her considerate children. "It's late," she managed to say. "What are you two doing up?"

Holly looked a little guilty but Ellis' face was brave when he said, "we heard dad yelling."

Cammie nodded, silent tears still falling from her eyes. She shouldn't be crying in front of her children, not when they were this age.

"Is Allie still asleep?" Cammie asked Ellis, referring to her youngest.

Ellis shrugged. "I guess."

Cammie sighed, a little relieved; she didn't know if she could handle her whiney toddler right now.

"We should get you back to bed," Cammie said, finally feeling her cheeks were dry. She lifted Holly up, who had seemed to fall asleep on her shoulder.

"I can stay up," Ellis said determinedly.

Cammie rolled her eyes and took his hand. "C'mon kiddo," she said, leading him to the stairs.

Ellis held her hand tight, and she realized how much she and Zach's fight must have scared him. Cammie and Zach fought, often enough, but not like this—never badly enough for him to slam his fist into their plaster walls.

"Bed time."

"Where's dad?" he asked, and Cammie could tell he felt guilty asking the question, even though he had every right to.

"He'll be back tomorrow," was all she said, keeping it vague. Ellis seemed satisfied, so he went willingly up the stairs.

"Get into bed," she told him. "I'm going to go tuck Holly in— I'll be there in a second."

Ellis nodded and hurried to his own room as Cammie walked to Holly's.

She laid her daughter in her princess canopied bed. She pulled the rumpled covers over her before her daughter's eyes sleepily opened.

"Ma?" her sleepy voice asked. "Is it morning?"

Cammie laughed softly. "No baby."

"Where's daddy?' she asked, looking around, obviously searching for her father. Cammie had no doubt in her mind that Holly's favorite parent was Zach. She was daddy's little girl, and he spoilt her rotten. Cammie was certain Allie would be the same way.

"He'll be home tomorrow," Cammie said, telling her the same thing she told her eldest.

"Daddy," she whined.

Cammie ignore the pang in her heart and kissed her head. "I love you."

Holly smiled. "I love you too Mommy."

"Goodnight Princess."

The little girl yawned sleepily. "Night mama."

And with that her eyes closed as Cammie left the room, carefully shutting the door.

As Cammie walked into Ellis' room he was in his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey buddy."

He looked at her, his eyes filled with a million questions. "Is everything okay mom?"

Cammie sighed, he was getting older, beginning to understand things he shouldn't ever have to live with.

"Of course, me and your daddy just had a little fight."

"About?"

"Mommy did something bad and daddy got mad."

His eyes were curious. He obviously though his mother wasn't capable of doing something bad. Mothers were supposed to be perfect in their children's eyes.

"What did you do?"

Cammie frowned. "I'll tell you when you're older."

Ellis blew out air from his lips. "I hate it when you say that."

Cammie smiled. "I know. Goodnight my baby boy."

"Mom," he whined.

"You're still my baby boy," she said, and kissed him. "Goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded. "Night Mom, I love you."

She smiled and nodded at him, brushing his hair back from his forehead. "I love you too."

…

He didn't get home till noon the next day. Cammie had gotten Holly and Ellis of to school earlier that morning, explaining their father would be back when they got home from school— that he was working. All the while Cammie stayed at home, keeping to herself, not bothering to call one of her friends to make her feels better. She stayed with her youngest daughter and watched children's cartoons throughout the morning.

Allie was on the floor, scooting around on her butt, making mumbling sounds. That was when she heard the engine of a car, and then a door slam. She got up, walking to the front door, and opening it, watching him walk up.

"Where have you been?" she snapped. He had a right to be angry but his kids needed him, he couldn't walk out on his children.

"Don't worry," he said dryly. "I wasn't cheating on you."

The dig hurt— it was supposed to. She managed to ignore it and say, "this isn't fair to the kids."

"Well I'd be here if their mother wasn't such a whore," he said, and she knew that he was still as angry and upset as he'd been last night. There was no use talking to him when he was like this. When Zach was angry he wouldn't listen to anyone but himself until he cooled off.

By now they were walking into the house. She was about to snap back but then she saw something and stopped abruptly.

Zach walked into her, "Cammie what the—"

And then he saw what she saw.

Cammie cupped her hand to her mouth, covering the smile that had graced her lips. There was Allie, shakily standing on two legs.

"She's walking," Zach whispered, all the anger vanished from his voice. Cammie nodded and squatted to the floor.

"Hey angle," she called to Allie. "Walk to Mommy."

Allie looked at her and grinned her toothy little smile. She walked on her shaky legs towards her mother.

Just as she got close she began to lose balance and Zach struck forward, catching her in his arms.

"Watch it Allie-Cat," he said, and held her to him. "We don't want you hurting yourself."

Cammie almost couldn't believe it, he'd been so angry, and one look at Allie and it had vanished. But she supposed that was what children did to you. Sometimes they made things easier.

Allie giggled as Zach kissed her face all over. Then he let her go, standing her on both feet and took a few steps back.

"Come on," he said to her. "Walk."

But Allie wasn't going to. She plopped onto the floor and returned her attention to the TV.

"She was walking," Cammie said happily, glancing at Zach, who was still watching Allie.

"I know," Zach said, smiling, turning his head towards her. It wasn't even a second before his smile became a scowl. "This doesn't change anything."

She hadn't expected it to.

"I think we need to talk," she said quietly, keeping her eyes on Allie, not wanting to look into his angry and hurt eyes.

Zach sighed. "What's there to say?"

"I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it if you leave me," she whispered, the words leaving her mouth before she had time to think of something better to say.

Zach looked away from her. "I never said I was going to leave you."

He hadn't, but she thought it was fairly obvious.

"I thought it was implied."

"I'm just going to need time to think," he said. "It hasn't even been a day."

She nodded, and then picked up Allie, "nap time."

The little girl yawned and rested her head against her mother chest.

"I think I'm going to stay with Grant for a little while," he said, calling to her as she reached the foot of the stairs.

She froze and felt tears sting the back of her eyes, his words made it impossible to believe everything would be okay.

"Sure," she said, nodding, not turning to look at him. She didn't want him to see how hurt she was. She didn't want him taking pity on her when she'd done something so awful. She had made the decision, he would only be annoyed if she showed weakness.

He opened his mouth to say something more, feeling as though he somehow needed to reassure her. But then he remembered she was the one who was in the wrong. He shouldn't be trying to comfort her, no matter how bad he could obviously see she was hurting. She wasn't hiding anything.

"I'll go pick the kids up from school."

She was already up the stairs. "Sure, have them home by eight please!" And then she was gone, putting their youngest to bed.

He walked out of the door of his own house, turning his back on the only love he'd ever known.

. . .

Zach picked Ellis and Holly up from their elementary school at three on the dot.

He waited outside the car and grinned when he saw his daughter running towards him.

"Daddy!" She squealed. He caught her as she ran up to hug him, holing her close to his chest, kissing her cheek.

"Hey princess. How was school?"

She made a face, "boring."

Something her brother had taught her to say no doubt.

"I'm sure," he said and rolled his eyes at the four year old. "Where's Ellis?"

"He's talking to his friends."

"Alright we'll give him a couple minutes," Zach decided, tucking Holly into the back seat of the car.

"I missed you daddy."

He smiled at her. "I missed you too princess."

She grinned, the gap in her teeth making Zach's heart contract. But suddenly he heard a voice that wiped the smile right of his face.

He turned around and there he was: Josh Abrams, the man his wife had cheated on him with. Zach knew he had kids at the school but right now he felt disgusted just by looking at him.

He turned back to Holly. "Hey Princess I'll be right back ok? Stay in the car and I'm gonna lock the doors. Okay?"

She nodded, picking a Barbie doll off the car floor and began playing with it. Zach closed the door and locked the door before walking up to Josh.

Josh turned to see him and when he saw the look on his face he visible shrank.

"Zach," he greeted. "How are you?"

"You don't fucking care," he said in a low voice, checking to see if anyone could hear them.

"I don't know what this is about though—"

"You know _exactly _what this is about. And I swear to god if you ever lay a fucking hand on my wife again you will be sorry."

Josh's smirk made Zach want to grab something and smash it over his head. "It wasn't like she didn't want it."

Zach wouldn't hit him. Not here. Not now.

He snarled at Josh and watched fear rise in the other man's eyes. "If I ever find out you fucked her again I'm going to pummel you into the ground, got it?"

Josh slowly nodded, knowing better than to say anything.

"Stay the hell away from my family."

Josh nodded again and Zach was satisfied that he got the message.

Zach walked away, returning to his car, finally seeing his son come towards the car. "Dad!" the boy yelled as a greeting but didn't come running as Holly did.

But when he got to his dad he hugged him tight.

"Hey bud," Zach said, unlocking the car and walking around to the driver's side and climbing in.

He glanced back at the kids to make sure they were buckled and safe.

"How was school?"

Ellis responded with the same answer his sister had given. "Boring." Figures. Zach rolled his eyes.

"Of course it was."

…

Over the next few weeks an unofficial schedule seemed to appear. Zach would pick the kids up from school, keep them until seven, sometimes later if he fed them dinner, and then send them home to Cammie. She'd keep them for the night, and send them off to school. The weekends felt especially strained because Zach and Cammie knew their kids knew something was wrong. Ellis anyway, maybe Holly.

Cammie had learned to deal with her husband's absence even though she felt it heavy in her heart every day. She knew she just had to accept what he wanted because he was the one making the next move. But seriously, the waiting was killing her. She tried to do something normally. She hadn't gone to work since Allie was born because she didn't want a nanny raising her child. So she stayed at home with her youngest daughter, pretty much the only person to keep her company during the day. Zach had always worked during the day but he'd call and sometimes they'd eat lunch together. Now there wasn't even that.

For some reason her appetite had immensely fallen, and sometimes she couldn't even stomach her dinner.

Her days were lonely but she was dealing with it, up until she got a phone call from Zach. And it wasn't a good one.

"I'm going on a mission."

The words made bile rise up in her throat. Since they'd had kids Zach and Cammie had stayed on the safe side of the spy world, careful not to put themselves in unnecessary danger. They mostly did intelligence work and the training of younger spies, some paperwork, but never went on missions. _Assignments_? Yes. _Missions_? No.

She was silent and sank onto the couch; her heart was sinking so fast in her chest. It was like a sinkhole had appeared underneath her ribcage.

"But—" she couldn't find the words to say. She couldn't tell him to stay: she didn't have that right anymore. She would have asked him to stay on behalf of their children but she knew he'd probably already thought about his decision.

"I'm going Cammie."

When they were younger, teenagers, they'd done countless missions together, always having each other's backs. And now she'd stabbed a knife in his and he had taken it out and was using it against her.

"I'm sorry," she said, words falling from her mouth as though someone were pushing them. "I hate myself for doing what I did. I betrayed you and," she sobbed, breaking off. "I know you can't forgive me. But please Zach," she hiccupped. "Please don't go. Don't do this to me, don't do this to us."

The other end was silent. "I have to come over tomorrow to get some stuff," he said finally. "Is that ok?"

She tried to stop crying, certain he was embarrassed by her lack of holding it together. She didn't say anything. "Cammie?"

"Yeah," she breathed, desperately trying not to let even a single sob rack through her body. "Bye." She hung up before she began crying even more uncontrollably, wrapping her arms around herself as a source of comfort. She didn't have anyone told hold her in their arms anymore. So she'd have to make do by herself.

…

The next day was a Monday. A god awful Monday. Everything bad happens on Mondays. Almost the second after she'd walked back from the bus stop from waving the kids off Zach was there, knocking on the door of his own house.

She opened the door as slow as possible, deliberately trying to delay him coming in. She was not ready to see him. She wasn't ready for him to see her like this.

"Hi," she managed to get out as she opened the door.

He nodded, looking exactly the same as he always did, apart from slight bags underneath his eyes. Nothing fazed Zach, it was just another day. He probably didn't even care about her anymore. "Hey."

His voice was so nonchalant— so casual she almost cringed. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Great. She looked like crap. And he noticed.

She forced a smile. "Of course." But she felt almost angry at him for asking that. He knew she wasn't okay, he had to.

"Good," he muttered but his eyes stayed on her for a bit longer. And since she knew him so well she knew he didn't believe her.

Zach walked to the living room and went to pick up Allie, who had been playing in her pen. She squealed when he picked her up and landed kisses all over her cheeks. Zach hadn't gotten to see his youngest very often, since she didn't go to school. He tried to come by and have a few hours with her but it was so awkward between him and Cammie he just picked her up on weekends.

"Hey Allie-Cat," he said to the little girl, lifting her high into his arms. The little girl giggled and stuck her fingers in her mouth as Zach bounced her up and down.

Cammie managed to smile even though the weight in her heart felt heavier than ever.

He played with her for a little bit before announcing he needed to get his things. He placed Allie back in the pen and she looked disappointed, reaching back out for him.

He glanced at Cammie, "I need to grab my stuff."

She nodded and kept her forced smile, subconsciously wondering if he could tell she felt sick to her stomach about the whole thing. If he went it would destroy her, she couldn't even think about what would happen if he didn't come back.

She sunk down onto the couch and looked at her daughter. Allie looked at her with big blue eyes, unlike the green ones of both her siblings and her father.

Allie took completely after her mother, with blonde tuffs of hair and paler skin. But still, she could see Zach's smile in hers, the curve of his jaw forming in her face. Little things like that, and she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe, her chest had become tight as she thought about her husband and her children.

When Zach came back down, she was trying to regulate her breathing, and calm the complete panic inside of her.

He looked at her, a stuffed duffle bag in hand. "Are you alright?"

This time she couldn't find the effort to smile. So the next thing she knew she'd gotten off the couch and her feet walking towards him. She wrapped her arms around him tight, holding him closer than she ever had. He returned the hug, but she thought it was probably more out politeness then love. He didn't have any love left for her. His fingers held her waist and she felt him go slightly ridged.

"I'm sorry," she began to apologize and pulled back. But when she did his eyes were trained on her stomach. She looked down and realized he must have noticed what she'd only recently seen. She was skinny, skinnier than she had been in a long while. She brushed his hands off her small waist.

"Have you been eating?" he asked his voice completely dumbstruck.

"Of course I have," she said indignantly, lying. "What kind of a question is that?"

He shook his head at the obvious defense in her voice. "Nothing," he said but she could tell he didn't mean it. He wanted to know what was going on. "Never mind."

She nodded and picked up his discarded bag and held it for him to take. He hesitated for a moment but after breaking his eyes from her gaze he took the bag.

"Be safe," she ordered, not giving him anything to say in return. "We need you to come home."

_I _need you to come home, she thought, but didn't say anything.

He nodded and shared a crocked smile with her. Then, briefly, without even thinking about it she reached up and pressed her lips to his, savoring the taste of him completely.

"I love you," she said, the words falling from her mouth. But he didn't look surprised. He just nodded and smiled again before backing away from her and turning towards Allie. He picked Allie up and hugged her tight. "Bye Allie-Cat."

She was just smiling, not knowing he'd be gone for a while. "I love you," he said to her and kissed her on the forehead before handing her over to Cammie.

. . .

Cammie had always thought that it would take a whole lot to break her and Zach's relationship. They had a bond that was so forged and steady; she never thought anything would happen to take that away. They'd always gotten through the hard times, and if Cammie had to pick something different about this issue they had is was that they _weren't _going through it together. Both of them were choosing to ignore it, sweep it under the rug, even though the issue hadn't been resolved. That's all she wanted, something to happen.

If he left her she wanted him to do it already, the anticipation had to be the worse part.

She didn't want to think he'd leave her but she had messed up, and like it or not, she had to accept it. And accept the consequences she brought upon herself and upon her family.

In her opinion, she'd done worse things. Not saying what she did wasn't awful, but there were other things Zach never should have forgiven her for.

Like the time she didn't speak to him for a year. She'd been angry at him for a reason she couldn't remember now, and she'd cut ties with him. She thought it better if they weren't friends, they were too different anyway. And when Zach finally broke through her hard head long after he should have given up, she came back to him. He'd always been doing that, cracking through her thick skulled stubbornness and showing her what really mattered. He should have hated her after she didn't speak to him for a word, if he did that she knew she wouldn't have forgiven him. It hadn't been fair to him, but he always came back.

Or like the time she had a miscarriage. That was time in her life that she had buried mainly because of the painful memories it came with. She had shut down, completely depressed. She didn't speak to him; she couldn't even look at him. And even though she knew it wasn't really her fault, she still felt her behavior was unacceptable. And after she'd finally gotten passed it she swore to herself she'd never hurt him again.

And now she did. Without even knowing why. She saw just stupid, and he couldn't put up with her anymore. Not that she had expected him anymore.

She knew she felt worse than Zach ever would. She hated herself for cheating, for messing up something so perfect. Zach could get away from her, start over— she couldn't run away from herself. Even if he did forgive her; she would never forgive herself. She'd done something complete disgusting and she would carry the regret with her every day for the rest of her life.

She certainly carried it now, as it had been three months since Zach had left on his mission. It was a classified one, and she had absolutely no idea where he was, who he was with, if he was okay, or any sort of information at all. She honestly didn't know how she was dealing but she just got up every day and tried to get on with her life. She'd already disappointed her husband, she wasn't about to disappoint her children.

It was the second week of June when she finally felt like she could breathe again. She'd gotten home after a long afternoon with the kids at the pool and after putting them all to bed she noticed she had messages on the answering machine. The first two were telemarketers trying to sell something. But the third? The third was Zach.

"Hey Cam," his voice sounded scratchy but otherwise normal. It sent immense relief through her. "I'm just calling to say I'll be back tomorrow, I'm catching the next flight out of New York. Tell the kids I love them. I'll see you tomorrow, bye."

She sank to the floor and began to cry in relief, her heart felt barely lighter but it was enough for her to be happy.

The next thing she did was go straight to bed, knowing tomorrow promised her Zach.

. . .

When Zach knocked on the door he expected Cammie to open it, not his oldest daughter.

"Daddy!" the girl squealed before he had time to question what was going on. She threw himself into his arms and his face lit up as he closed the door behind himself.

"Hey Hollz," he grinned and kissed her cheek. "I miss you baby."

He only been gone three months but her blonde hair was already so much longer and seemed to have lightened in the summer sun.

"I missed you too daddy," she said. Next Ellis came running "Daddy!"

He grinned again, catching his son in his free arm, hugging him tightly to his side.

"Hey bud."

"Mom didn't say you were coming home today!" he yelled then smacked a hand over his mouth like he'd said something he wasn't supposed to. "Whoops."

Zach was wondering why Cammie hadn't told them he was coming home. Did she want to surprise them?

"Surprise," Zach said. "Where's your mom?"

Ellis smile fell a bit and Zach set Holly on the ground. He looked around the living room and saw Allie in her play pen, who looked at least a year older than the last time he saw her. She was standing on two legs.

"Upstairs."

"What's she doing?" Zach wondered. "it wasn't like her to leave the kids unsupervised.

"Um. . . sleeping."

This surprised Zach. She hadn't told the kids because she hadn't been awake to.

"It's almost noon," Zach said slowly, it sounded like a question.

Ellis nodded. "Sometimes she does that."

"Does she tell you to let her sleep?" Zach asked, anger rising because she was supposed to be taking care of them.

Ellis shook his head. "She always seems too tired. I thought I should let her sleep. And then I get Allie up and feed her."

This was unacceptable. She couldn't do this to the kids. He wasn't going to let her.

Zach nodded. "I'm going to go see her. You guys stay down here."

Ellis nodded and took Holly's hand.

"Sure dad."

He smiled and ruffled his hair before making their way to his and Cammie's bedroom.

The first thing he noticed was that the bathroom and closets were a mess, and Cammie didn't like messes. She used to snap at him for leaving his socks everywhere. He kept walking until he got to their bedroom, seeing his wife lying beneath the thick covers. He walked up right next to the bed and barely recognized the woman. Even though she was sleeping he could see bags under her eyes, her skin was a sickly pale color. He almost feared she might be dead. Until her thinning lips breathed in a shallow breath, and then again, and again.

He peeled back the covers and saw she was in shorts and an old shirt of his. Her arms and legs were like sticks, and the t-shirt rode over her stomach.

He could see her ribs, and not in a normal way, as in they were protruding out through her skin. He'd noticed she was getting skinnier before he left but this was ridiculous. She was obviously starving herself, probably on the edge of death.

He didn't know how she could be doing this to herself. It didn't make sense. But it never had. They'd had this problem before. He hesitated before reaching out and touching her shoulder and shaking her awake.

"Cammie," he said softly.

Her eyes opened and where it should have been white it pale yellow and her eyes almost looked as though they belonged to a cat. "What have you done?"

"Hmm?" she muttered, obviously still half asleep. When her pale blue eyes focused on him she grinned. She threw her arms around him and held him tight.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she said. She sounded like herself.

"Yeah," he said, and then swallowed and pulled back.

"We need to talk."

She was confused. "Zach," she then said, her voice sounding suddenly very sad. "If you're going to leave me then just do it already, waiting to know is driving me crazy."

So that's what was doing this to her. He was doing this to her. He supposed he could relate it back to Cammie but he wouldn't, not when she looked so frail.

He'd seen her stop eating once before. And it was when she found out they'd lost a child. But this seemed worse; she'd never been so pale and yellowish looking. She looked _sick_.

"You aren't eating."

She shook her head. "Stop avoiding it Zach. Just tell me. I need to know."

"Well I haven't decided yet," he snapped because that was the truth. He didn't want to leave her, but what she'd done, it was twisted and disgusting and it had broken his heart.

She nodded, and bit her lip and avoided looking at him.

"You aren't eating," he said again. "Are you?"

She didn't do or say anything.

"Cammie."

"I have."

She was lying.

"Don't lie to me."

"I have," she said. "My appetite just hasn't been the same."

"I can see you're ribs."

She shrugged.

"You can't do this to yourself."

"I'm fine."

"You aren't."

"Yes I am," she said. "I need to go feed Allie."

He shook his hand and caught her wrists. "It's almost noon."

Her eyes went wide and she looked over at the bedside table. Her face went frantic.

"She's fine. Ellis got her."

She still looked panicked. "Again? I told him to wake me up."

"We have an alarm clock."

"I know," she snapped. "I always sleep through it."

She put her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes and temples. She looked much older than twenty eight, like she'd had the weight of the world on her shoulder for decades. Then frustrated, she let her hands fall back in her lap. "I don't know what to say Zach— I know I'm being a bad mother. But—"

"But what?" he interrupted. "Cammie there can't be an excuse for that."

She nodded, and picked at the sleeve of the comforter. "I know."

"I told you I didn't know how to fix this," he said quietly. "I still don't."

She shrugged. "Me neither."

He sighed, and folded his hands in his lap. "Maybe I should come home."

She shook her head. "Zach. I'm fine."

Even though he hadn't said anything she knew he was worried about her. He always had been. Even though he probably hated her he couldn't help but worry at least a little.

"You don't want me to come home?"

"Of course I do," she replied. "But not if you're just worried about me. If you're moving back I want it to because you want to. I'm not going to force you into a relationship you don't want."

"Is that what you think?"

"You haven't given me any reason to think otherwise."

"Cammie we've been married for eight years."

"And I always manage to fuck everything up."

Zach suddenly felt like they were teenagers again, having their first fight. They'd been married for _eight _years; they should be able to resolve issues at the drop of a hat.

He didn't say anything but noticed that her eyes were glassing over.

"I don't even mean to," she continued. "I swear. But I think there's something inside of me that doesn't want things to be perfect. Something that doesn't want you."

"You don't want me?" the words stuck something down inside him, his stomach twisted into knots.

"Of course I do," absentmindedly she reached out her hand and closed it over his.

"I'm so stupid Zach. I cheat on you for no goddamn reason, I can't take care of myself when you aren't here, I'm practically neglecting our children, and I can't eat anything. I'm stupid and messed up and I —"

"Cammie stop."

There were thick tears running down her face. "Zach, I'm so sorry."

The one thing Zach could always tell about Cammie is when she meant if she was sorry or not. She didn't she'd say it and get it over with. But if she was she'd always blame herself, even if something's were out of her control. And she usually cried: a lot. He wouldn't be surprised if the credit card bill was full of nothing but tissue boxes.

"I know," he said softly.

"Don't," she muttered, wiping at her eyes. "Don't forgive me. I don't deserve it."

"Cammie—"

"No," she said. "You're so good to me and all I do is hurt you. You have to hate me. _I _hate me. If I were you I would have left me ages ago."

"But you aren't me."

"Yeah, I'm _me_."

"Please don't do this to yourself."

She always beat herself up. Shut down and told herself she wasn't good enough. If there was one thing he wished he could change about her it would be this. She'd always been hard on herself, but this was getting extreme.

He wanted to comfort her even though he still felt angry for her actions. She had to have done it for some reason.

"Zach," she said. "If you won't I have to. I can't go through life without feeling regret. You always forgive me."

"Because I love you."

"I don't know why."

"Cammie," he sighed again. He glanced at the clock. "I'm not leaving you."

"You should. I cheated on you."

He flinched.

"You should be angry."

"I am angry," his voice was sharp and she knew he was serious. She met his eyes and saw that he was very angry but he cared about her enough to put a blanket over it for now.

Unexpectedly she put her thin arms around him.

"I don't want you to leave me," she said, and he could feel her salty tears dripping down his neck. "I'm never going to mess up again. I won't let myself."

He sighed and wrapped his big muscly arms around her back and held her thin frame to him.

"You need to eat something," he said as he trailed his hands down her sides.

"I know," she mumbled. "I'm sorry."

He nodded and pulled back. "I'm not coming back because I forgive you," he said, his words were firm. "Because I'm still angry. I'm _furious_."

This isn't what she wanted to hear.

"But I'm not coming back to fight either."

She bit her lip and nodded, even though there was confusion in her eyes. "Then where does that leave us?"

He scratched his head. "Cammie we're adults. We'll put it back together."

"I just. . ." She trailed off.

"You just what?" he asked. "Do you want to be with me or not?"

"Of course I do," She answered immediately, positive of her answer. "I'm just confused."

He nodded, as though he were agreeing with her. "I know, I am too. But Cammie I know I still love you, and I can't throw that away even if I wanted to. We have three beautiful children and I can't stand to see any of them, or you, broken. I want us to work."

"I do to."

"But I have to be able to trust you, I have to know that this isn't going to ever happen again."

"It won't."

"I'm serious Cammie."

"I know," she said. "I am too. I don't know what I was thinking— actually, I wasn't. I was being stupid and careless and I don't think you'll ever know how sorry I am."

He believed her, because he loved her. He had to trust it wouldn't happen again.

He leaned in, kissing her head softly.

"I love you," she said to him. "I love you so freaking much."

He nodded, and moved his lips to kiss her gently on the mouth.

"C'mon," he said and pulled back, taking her hands and helping her off the bed. "We've got children to take care of."

She nodded. "You go," she said. "I need to change; I'll be down in a second."

He smiled and nodded, letting go of her hand.

When Zach got down stairs he found all of his children in the kitchen. Ellis stood over the stove, and it was on.

"Ellis," he said, his voice alarmed as he ran over to his son. "What are you doing? Get away from there."

He snatched up his son and set him on the other side of the room before going to the stove and flicking off the gas. He saw eggs in one pan, and bacon in the other.

"You don't use the stove," he scolded his son. "_Ever_. It's dangerous. Do you hear me?"

Slowly, Ellis nodded his eyes wide and fearful. Zach shook his head and tried to calm his racing heart. "Jesus, you scared the sh—"

"Daddy," Holly warned, knowing the word that was about to come out of her father's mouth. How she knew he would swear at such a young age Zach would never figure out.

"Sorry," he said to his daughter then turned back to Ellis. "How many times have I told you not to go near the stove without me or your mom around?"

Ellis just shook his head, speechless, scared by his father outburst and apparent anger.

"Sorry," Ellis said to his father.

"I'm not mad," Zach said, to clarify. "But please— don't ever do that again."

"He was just trying to help," Holly whined.

Zach raised an eyebrow at her. She pointed to the pans.

"He was making mama eggs and bacon."

Zach glanced over, double checking she was correct even though he'd looked earlier.

"That's very sweet but we don't want you near the stove. It's dangerous. Understand?"

Slowly, Ellis nodded. Zach looked at Holly. She nodded as well, and shrugged as though she didn't think it was a big deal.

"Sorry dad," he apologized again.

At that point Cammie came down the stairs, a smile lighting up her face as all her children gravitated towards her, even little Allie, who could barely walk, came running to her mother.

"Hey guys," Cammie said, grinning and holding them all tight.

"Someone made you breakfast," Zach said, nodding his head over to the pan.

"Zach," she said. "You shouldn't have."

He laughed as Ellis face went a bit red.

"Hey!"

"Yeah hon?" She said as she wondered over to the pan.

"I made breakfast!"

Cammie looked at Zach and saw the twitch of a smirk on his face. "Aw, baby thank you." She said and pulled him into another hug. "That's right. Don't let daddy steal your thunder."

Zach was only smiling regarding the two of them while he scooped up Holly in one arm and Allie in the other.

Cammie didn't scold Ellis about the stove, but he had seen a flash of worry in her eyes. She must have assumed he'd handled it.

"Alright," Zach said. "Let's eat!"

Cammie couldn't help from grinning. This is what she lived for. And maybe, right now, her life wasn't perfect. But this moment was, and she would trade anything for it. The smile Zach was giving her made her feel like nothing had ever been wrong in the first place.

Sure, they still had a little ways to go, but right then, she knew that everything would be perfectly fine.

They would put the broken pieces of their relationship back together.

* * *

_AN: one of my longer ONESHOTS. I don't really know how this came into my head but I stuck with it and I hope you guys enjoyed it. :))  
Feedback?_  
_Love to hear from you guys._


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